Title: "Exploding Supermarkets" Author: Katherine F. Fandom: Generation X by Douglas Coupland. Pairing: Andy/Dag Archive: yes Crosspost: anywhere, with email and associated yada intact Email: katherinef@softhome.net Web Page: http://netdump.com/users/purity_brown/purity.htm Disclaimer: Andy, Claire, and Dag belong to Douglas Coupland; this is a work of homage. No profit is made from this story, nor is any copyright infringement intended. So, um, please don't sue me? Pretty please? Song lyrics from "World Leader Pretend" and "You Are The Everything" by REM: reproduced without permission. This story takes place a week after the end of the novel, and, as such, will make a lot more sense if you've read all of it. Actually, now I come to think of it, it probably won't make *any* sense if you *haven't* read all of it. It'll spoil the plot, too -- not that *that's* a major issue with this particular novel... *...* indicates thoughts; //...// indicates song lyrics. "Exploding Supermarkets" by Katherine F. It's after midnight and I can't sleep, and Dag can't sleep either, so we're laying outside on a picnic blanket listening to REM on the tape deck. The volume is down low so as not to wake up Claire. I can't believe we're still in Mexico. A whole week has passed since I saw the mushroom cloud, since I caught up with Dag and Claire about a hundred miles north of here. We have a plan, or should I say A Plan, possibly for the first time in our lives -- certainly the first time in mine. And we've stuck to it, so far. None of us has decided to bail on the mission, or, which is more likely, subtly sabotaged it through crankiness or disagreeable behaviour. So here we are: Claire, asleep in the back seat of my car, Dag, beside me, smoking a cigarette and trying to name constellations, and me, making bargains between me, God, and the tape deck. *If the next song is "It's The End Of The World As We Know It", I'll ask him.* The next song comes on. "Pretty Persuasion". Dammit. I guess the truth is, I'm trying to avoid responsibility. I don't want to be the one who wrecks it all, if it all does end up getting wrecked. I've spent the past however-many-days not thinking about it, or trying not to think about it, or making sure I'm never alone with Dag -- easier said than done, since he's been acting the same way as ever -- and I know it can't go on like this. Sooner or later I'm going to have to do something. *If the next song is "It's The End Of The World As We Know It", I'll ask him.* The next song comes on. "Gardening At Night". It's like this: if I make a bargain with God that if he makes the tape deck play "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" then I'll talk to Dag about the fact that he kissed me...well, then it's not really *my* doing if talking about it bursts the bubble we three are floating in. Illogical thinking, of course, but I can't seem to shake its hold. I turn over on my side and look at Dag. His eyes are closed. The glow of his cigarette and the moonlight combined aren't enough to light up his face properly. I'd like to see it, really see it, just once. When the two of us are alone and there are no barriers between us. When the world is ending and the light of the Bomb shows us our true faces. I could kiss him, then. I could kiss him and say, *I always wanted to do that*, even though that isn't strictly speaking true. I could kiss him and say that, and he'd know what I meant. His eyelids flicker and I look away. The next song fades in. "World Leader Pretend". //i sit at my table and wage war on myself// "Where did this tape come from?" says Dag, out of nowhere. "I don't know," I reply. "I think one of Claire's siblings left it behind. Or possibly one of *my* siblings left it among my tapes by mistake..." Dag grunts and folds his arms behind his head. "The songs are in a weird order. It's not chronological, it's not alphabetical, it's not thematic...it doesn't make sense." "It probably made sense to the person who made the tape," I say, not really believing it but needing to say something. When did the comfortable silences become awkward? "Perhaps." I listen to the words of the song. I've been waiting for a sign, a message from God or Fate or whatever that says I can go ahead and ask him. But I can feel something building inside, and I know the question is going to get asked soon, sign or no sign. //it's high time I razed the walls that i've constructed// That'll do. I look at Dag, who happens to be looking at me, which is a little disconcerting, but not enough to stop me asking. "Dag -- " "Yeah?" "Why did you kiss me?" He looks at me like it's a really stupid question. "I *told* you," he says, "because I always wanted to." "And that's it? You just always wanted to kiss me?" "Mmhm." He rolls over onto his side, his back to me. As body language goes, that's pretty unambiguous. Well, *fuck* body language. This is important. "I don't believe it." He rolls over to face me. "What? You don't believe I always wanted to kiss you?" "I don't believe that it -- I don't believe that *any*thing is that simple. There's got to be more to it than that." "Have you ever been in love, Andy?" I frown. He already knows the answer. "No. Never." "So...your idea of what love is like...of what love *is*...is completely secondhand. Based on what other people tell you and the way they behave." I nod. I don't know where he's taking this, and it kind of bothers me. I'm afraid he's going to end up telling one of his stories, which will both answer the question and not answer it. Dag should have been a Zen master. "So if I told you that that's what love is -- just wanting to kiss somebody -- wanting to, and *keeping on* wanting, no matter what -- you might believe me, if somebody else had told you that when you were a kid, or if you'd seen people acting that way. Your parents, for instance. But you might *not* believe me if I was the first person ever to speak about love in that way. Even if it was true." I stare at him, open mouthed. "Dag, what are you saying?" I think that might well be the *definition* of "stupid question". He reaches out and starts stroking my hair. "Well, Andy," he says with his best ironic smirk, "what do *you* think I'm saying?" And it hits me, then, like the first drop of rain after a drought, like the moment when the label peels perfectly off the mayonnaise jar. I don't know why, but for some reason I never thought love could be *simple*. I always saw it as this huge, messy, complicated monster that would take up residence in my life without asking and screw around with my head. Something like the way Claire was with Tobias: wanting stupid impossible things and knowing all along on one level that they were stupid and impossible, but never being quite able to let go of the hope that they might *become* possible. But *this* is...wonderful. Simple. Just Dag and me, under the moonlight, his fingers wandering gently over my scalp, Michael Stipe singing in the background. //the stars are the greatest thing you've ever seen and they're there for you for you alone you are the everything// Is this...? I want to kiss him. I want him to kiss me again, the way he did on the flood-pipe outside Bunny Hollander's house -- And then he does, and this time there are no exploding supermarkets, just his lips touching mine, and for that moment *everything* is perfect. Every beach is clean, every child is well-fed, every school has enough textbooks, every hospital enough penicillin. In the world of this kiss, there is no pain. In the world of this kiss, I am complete. It doesn't last, of course. Nothing does. But when we finally break apart I can see in Dag's eyes something I have never seen there before; something soft, happy, like...peace, I guess. We sort of stay there, staring at each other like a pair of goofy newlyweds, then Dag smiles and lays back the way he was, eyes to the sky. I want to say something, but suddenly I realise how fragile this is, how very easy it would be to spoil it with an ill-chosen word. So I lay back too, and wait for the song to end. //and you're drifting off to sleep with your teeth in your mouth you are here with me you are here with me you have been here and you are everything// The next song is "It's The End Of The World As We Know It". Heh. Maybe God has a sense of humour after all. [end]